Promise Me Always
by Pooks1979
Summary: AU J/B - one shot - when do broken promises of forever finally force you to face the truth? What happens when you finally see the light and move on only to find you never can truly be apart from that one true love?


**A/N – not really sure where this came from, I guess they call them drabbles or dribbles. Just a random one shot for you to enjoy.**

**Warning – story contains bad language.**

_Dear Bella,_

_I sit here writing this letter not sure what I want to say or how to put a lifetime of love and servitude into a few pages of loose-leaf paper. Nothing I'm about to say will come as any surprise to you as I've made my feelings known way before we ever really knew what love meant._

_When we were kids, we laughed, cried, played and loved one another as only best friends could. We promised to always remain as happy as we were that summer because back then, we thought there was nothing that could outshine it. We vowed to be friends forever; our pinkies entwined and are hearts swollen with the devotion and sincerity of our words. I held true to that promise. I watched after you, shielded you, helped you and guided you through life as any good friend would. I took the brunt of all your pain and comforted you when you needed it most. I never asked for anything in return because I was satisfied with just having you in my life. It was never a matter of give and take between us but then again, you always took everything I had to give and more._

_Unfortunately life had other plans for us. At one time or another I thought it was God's way of challenging my resolve. He wanted to see if I truly could be as devoted to you as I swore I would be. Thinking about it now, it was cruel to challenge a boy so young with an adult obstacle but then again maybe God thought I was beyond my years and could handle it. Nevertheless, I was confident that distance would be no challenge because we always had the summers together. _

_You can image my surprise when the preceding summers came and went and I was left without you. I waited and waited, each night I sat on our piece of driftwood, the one we etched our names into to mark our little spot of heaven, for the one person who could make my world bright again and she never came. _

_You promised to write to me and for a time you did but eventually that became nonexistent just like you had. My intent is not to rehash our failed friendship but to show you what I think your clouded mind fails to see. You fail to see that no matter what or how you hurt me, I've always been there._

_I find myself conflicted, tortured, tormented, hallow, used, neglected, abandoned and above of all scorned. These emotions plague me Bella and in the worst way. When the eighth summer came and went I learned to not look on the bright side of things. I learned that sometimes you have to be selfish to get ahead and that caring for others was nothing more than a glutton for punishment. You taught me the hard way not to love anymore and to some degree I hate you for it. This is not to say you are completely to blame for my miserable existence although at times I'd like to believe it so. Your actions have caused hate but it's my neglect in noticing your lack of devotion to me that angers me most. _

_I hate myself for ever letting you in, for ever loving you and for allowing you to have the most important part of me. It's true that you offered me something no other woman could but then you stole it back shortly after. A moment of pure happiness never outweighs a lifetime of loneliness. You above all should know and understand that._

_Your return to Forks a few years ago was the nail that sealed the coffin that contained my tempered heart. You came back acting as if you were better than me and I was undeserving of you. I couldn't find the Bella I used to know and love and even when you said things purposely to hurt me, still I stayed. _

_If it wasn't for Leah calling you out on your pompous ways, a part of me thinks you would have continued to be as selfish as you always had been. The Bella I knew shared, cared and valued life and that's not who you've become. It sickens me to think that as much as you've hurt me I still long for you. I still dream of the night we gave ourselves to one another and I constantly remind myself you did love me even when you couldn't bring yourself to say it. _

_I'm the only one who ever accepted you for who you were, are and continue to be. I've accepted you for all your faults and weakness and yet you deny me your heart. I can't understand how you justify cutting the only heart string left that binds us together. Was I just another way to pass time? Did I not offer you the world on a platter? I gave in to every need, desire and strange fantasy you asked for and yet it was never enough. I was never enough._

_I grow tired of living in the dark and finding solace alone. I'm no better than that nasty ass boyfriend you had in high school. You remember, the one who walked talked and smelled like death. Yeah how quickly we forget that I was the one who helped you when he dumped you for Europe. I was the one who found you lying lifeless on the ground, emotionally distraught and without tears left to cry for his sorry ass. I'm the one who held you, consoled and loved you yet I'm not enough. _

_I'm starting to see more clearly now since I've had some time to really think things over and although you've had your claws in me for some time, I can say that if I do ever see you again, I will see right through you. You're actions towards me have made you transparent. I know my faults and I know that no matter how strong I sound or feel all it takes is three words from you and I'm back to being your lap dog. It kills me to admit that even now when the fragrance of you has long since dissipated but I feel stronger for doing so. _

_I've replayed what I might say or do if our paths should ever cross and I'm sure they will. You might be a city girl now but you will forever be a country girl at heart. You may deny we were anything more than friends but I know better. I know deep down the only thing that keeps you away from me is the thought that there is something better out there. _

_It may not be me personally but everything that I stand for. You say you hate this town, these people and small town life but if you hate them so much why did you give your virginity to me in the first place? Why did you promise me that you would come back? Did you say it because you knew that if you didn't I would discard you? Do you think I'm so fickle? Or maybe it was because the idea of losing me to another woman hurt your ego? I'm not blind, I see how women look at me and I can't say the small bit of attention isn't nice but I never acted on it because in the back of my mind there was always you._

_I thought that if I ever ventured off the road of Jake and Bells there would be no hope for return. I put us on a pedestal while you ran us over the coals. I worshipped you and you shit on me. I don't know why it's taken this long to say it but I think I deserve better. _

_Yet as empowering as this all feels, the Jacob you've supposedly loved still screams for you. He plagues me Bella, taunting me with the would of and could of's. I can't continue to live this lie and hope that one day you will change because we both know zebra's don't change their stripes. I can only hope this opens your mind to the idea that you had someone wonderful and lost him because you couldn't see past me, myself and I._

_You will always have a place in my heart Bells and I hope that whatever you were looking for, you found because this time you will be without your safety net. _

_Jake_

It had taken me over two years to finish the letter of closure to Bella. Originally it was meant to help solidify my feelings and offer my heart some reprieve from this game my mind and heart were dueling on a daily basis. I knew what she had done, did and continues to do to me is unfair and yet I'm at constant war with myself over it.

Within words I find strength and although this letter will never be mailed or read, it doesn't matter. I finally managed to say what needed to be said and at least I feel my sanity coming back after several years of mental torment.

I folded the letter, sealed it in an envelope and placed it in my desk drawer. My feelings would forever be sealed within its loose confines, never to be revealed, conveyed or expressed again.

I swore off all that was Bella Swan as my tongue ran across the glue texture of the envelope seal. There was no more waiting, wanting, yearning or pleading for her affection. She was my past and now it was time for me to live out my future.

I threw my cargo shorts on and headed for the beach. It was summertime after all. It was time I stopped living in the memory of my childhood and started living my real life.

The party seemed to already be in full swing, my boys drinking and living it up while the girls all hung out in a little huddle off to the side. To anyone outside our little click we looked like high school kids at their first dance but it wasn't anything remotely like that.

The girls rarely got to see one another due to college and work and the same with me and the boys. We didn't segregate because of shyness just more of a lets catch up before I get to drunk to remember your name sort of thing.

I always felt at home here. No one judged, poked or prodded their way into my business. We had a don't ask, don't tell policy which worked to my advantage when it came to her.

I grabbed a beer from the cooler and enjoyed the company of my friends. We laughed and played like we were all back in high school. They never once brought up my absence nor my lack of friendship during the last several years because it really didn't matter. They understood what I was going through and as all good friends should, allotted me the time to deal.

For the first time tonight I actually felt like my old self again and I was proud to say that in no way shape or form was she a contributing factor to my present happiness and that alone made me smile.

_**Three months later…** _

The brakes on this 2003 Corolla were kicking my ass. I'd been beneath this car for nearly two hours and only managed to get one brake on. Damn these foreign cars were a pain in my ass.

I slid from beneath the car, got up and walked over to the cooler for a soda. It was nearing the end of the summer but boy was Mother Nature on the rag. She hit us with 105 degree temperature all week and I have to say, I was looking forward to a weekend at the beach.

I lifted my tee-shirt off my stomach and wiped my brow. I was sweating like a runner who just ran his first triathlon. This heat was truly getting the best of me but thankfully I only had an hour left until closing so I figured it was best to just suck it up and finish off this car so I could head out.

Just as I placed the soda bottle down and turned to make my way back to the car, out of the corner of my eye I saw a familiar shadow flash by. When I turned around and saw not a shadow, but the full figure of the woman I had removed from my life standing there with a mixture of tears and distress in her eyes, a weathered piece of paper in her left hand and a tissue in her right just staring at me, I nearly lost my footing as my knees weakened and could no longer withstand my weight.

I fought my own cowardly emotions. I wouldn't allow her to effect me like this. I wouldn't let another summer go by where she can use me and then toss me aside when she got her fill. I would no longer be her drug of choice, her safe harbor or her safety net. She chose a life outside of Jacob Black and so that's where she'll have to stay.

"_Jake?"_

My name coming from her lips pinched my heart and a much as I tried to fight the emotions that threatened to leak from my frozen soul I couldn't. The way she continued to summon me, the fear, pain and longing in her voice, the way it crackled and begged for acceptance was like a virus with malicious intent. It was like her breath, her voice was like a vapor seeping through my skin, rattling my bones and taking its hold of my heart.

I fell forward, my hand slamming against the hot metal of the hood while my other cupped my chest. It felt like someone punched me square in the chest, my breathing almost nonexistent while my heart raced in anticipation of my death. I always dreamed she would come back but after so much time had passed, I knew she wouldn't.

She and I had ventured into a more romantic setting right out of high school. She was my first as I was hers and it snow balled from there. After her piece of shit boyfriend dumped her, she came to me. I fixed her, made her whole and in return she gave herself to me. She told me she couldn't picture anyone else being her first but me and the feeling was mutual. After that night we continued to date but then something changed. It was like Bella wasn't Bella anymore. She said she felt caged and didn't want to be stuck in a small town life. In all honesty she sounded just like her mother less the pregnancy.

I tried to tell her that small town life wasn't as bad as it seemed but she wouldn't hear of it. As soon as her little secret was out that's all she ever talked about and to be honest, I grew tired of it.

Well two months later I get a letter left on my car window that she left and would see me the following summer. I started to see her old tricks were back in the works. When we were kids she would visit every summer and when she finally came back permanently to go to high school, I thought it was for good but apparently I wasn't good enough for her to stay.

She returned back the following summer, lured me into her web of lies and then off she ran. Well the last time I'd seen her before today was two years ago and here she was, again, except this time she wasn't bubbly old Bella. She wasn't I know I hurt you but I know you will always take me back so I'm not sorry Bella. This was high school Bella. The, I'm broken please fix me Bella.

The venom seeped from my lips before my mind had time to tell my voice to be silent

"We only fix cars here".

Her advance towards me came to a screeching halt as soon as she caught wind of my response. There was so much I wanted to say. I wanted to unleash the pain, give her what she had so easily given me. I wanted to show her what it felt like to be dismissed, discarded, denied and lonely. I wanted her to feel all these things and then come to the same painful realization I had long ago, sometimes love just isn't enough.

"I gathered that from the sign outside that said JB Auto body" she whispered.

I can't say I was surprised. Sarcasm was always one of Bella's strong suits. It was her way of deflecting a situation she had no control over. However, she had been away so long she didn't realize I wasn't the same man she left behind. Right now, all I wanted to do was inflict pain but my father's life lesson kept repeating in my head like a broken record, almost forcing me to suppress the anger. "_Do onto others as you would want done onto you_."

I growled in aggravation. I knew two wrongs didn't make a right but I wanted retribution. I wanted her to feel how I felt without her. I wanted her to know I wasn't going to be there but strangely when I looked into her eyes, I saw the fear of loss there. The way she looked at me, engaged me, swiveled on her heels waiting for my response, something was definitely different.

"_Jake I didn't come here to be fixed. I came here to…"_

I didn't want to hear her excuses. Really, I didn't want her here at all. Every moment she stayed it allowed a small piece of the old me to come out. I fought my desire to pull her into a hug because I didn't want her to think it was ok yet I yearned for that physical connection. I was completely mentally fucked up and the longer she stayed the more conflicted I became.

"Bella do you honestly think I care why you're here? All I want is for you to leave..." I let a deep breath of air, the weight of my words knocking the wind right out of me as soon as they left my lips "and don't come back".

I could hear her take a deep breath in preparation for a response so before she could argue my request; I ended this debate quickly because there was nothing left to say "There is nothing you can say. You did what was in your best interest and now I'm doing what's best in mine. Just go off and live your life Bella. Enjoy your city life and whoever you call a boyfriend now and leave me alone. I'm tired of being your convenience. I deserve better, far better than you"

I pulled my tee-shirt off my body, wiped the physical formation of anger and hostility from my brow and chest and turned to walk away.

"_Don't you dare walk away from me Jacob Black!"_

I couldn't help but laugh. Even now after all this time and everything I've said she still thinks she can control me. "Don't you get it Bella? I haven't been Jacob Black in ten years and the ties that used to bind us have long been severed. Your words have no power over me so don't waste your breath. Leave before you get hurt."

"_If you hate me so much why did you send me this letter Jake? Why after all this time did you decide to mail this?"_

I felt like a child who just got a bug stuck in their throat. I was speechless. I never mailed the letter. Although for all intent and purposes I had the idea that maybe one day I would gain the nerve to mail it but never did and honestly hadn't really thought about it much since I wrote it.

"_Jake…I wish I could say something or do something to change what I've done to you. I didn't mean for all this to happen…I mean I did but, well what's done is done. Its obvious there is no repairing this so…here's the letter you didn't write back." _ A sigh escaped her lips as she placed the letter under my tool box, gave me one last glance and walked away.

I fought my legs to move from their cemented position. No matter how angry I was or how wrong she was in what she did to me, she always had a way of bringing me back to her. It was like a moth to a flame, a bee to a hive, a child to its mother. You always clung to what you knew, understood and loved; the only problem was I knew none of that about Bella. As much as I thought I knew her I didn't. I wanted to believe she was selfish but yet someone so selfish wouldn't have made a trip back to a place she despised to comfort a childhood lover and friend.

Her reemerge into my life had my hormones in major flux. One moment I wanted to smack her and the next I wanted to kiss her and make it all better. This was the constant struggle that plagued me our entire relationship and here it is all over again. She cries I wipe the tears, she hurts and I cave to comfort her.

I walked towards the toolbox, retrieved the letter and sure enough it was the very letter I wrote three months earlier. There was only one person who could have either looked or stumbled on this letter and the thought that he would do this burned me more than her arrival in town.

I threw my shirt to the side, flipped the closed sign on the shop and jogged home. Running had always provided me an outlet to defuse my emotions whether they be good or bad. It was a decent run from town to the Rez so I knew it would give me enough time to sort out my feelings before I confronted my father.

About an hour later I arrived home and found my father in his normal position, in front of the TV. I walked in front, switched it off and waved the sheets of paper in front of his face.

"Do you plan on telling me how Bella Swan got her hands on this?"

He continued to look at me as if I had five heads. His nonchalant attitude was starting to get on my nerves. After a few moments of silence, I was about to go ape shit on him but then he finally broke.

"I mailed it Jacob. Don't you see son, I knew you would never have the balls to do it so I took it upon myself to do it for you. I found out her address from Charlie and I mailed it. These past few years have been hell. Everyday I have to watch you slip slowly into depression and I was tired of watching my son waste his life on a love that would never be. I stumbled on the letter when I tried to find a pen and after I read it, I knew you were over and done with her. I knew you would never have the power to send it because even though you deny it, she is still a big part of you. I hoped this letter would either keep her away or bring her back but either way you would finally change for the good. Don't you see, you keeping all this inside isn't healthy and this is not to say what she's done to you is right but never telling her is like offering your heart up on a silver platter to a animal. You allowed her to hurt you because you never told her how you felt. I thought she had a right to know the damage just as much as you had a right to say it. Be mad at me all you want but it was the right thing to do."

He didn't wait for a response but rather rolled his wheelchair out of the room and left me there torn between being mad and being grateful.

He was right. I would've never mailed that letter no matter how hurt I was over her behavior. As much as I despised everything she had said and done to me, I could never hurt her. Everything I wrote came from the heart and I wouldn't take it back for anything but it was never really meant for her, at least not entirely. I wrote the letter as a way to release all the pain I felt over her dismissal of me. I wanted the pain gone, absent from my life so I could move on.

I didn't send it partly because I was a coward and partly because I didn't want it to be an invitation for a pity party. If she ever did choose to come back, I wanted it to be on her accord and not because of a stupid letter.

This letter had become my savior and my clutch which was never my original intent. My options were limited to just two now but my choice wasn't going to be easy. Do I choose to accept her or neglect her? Love her or live without her?

I didn't know what I wanted because I wasn't prepared to make the decision. My mind was clouded with anger while my heart beat with longing. It was as if I took one step forward only to make two steps back. I wrote the letter to be free from this madness and here I was stuck back in the original hole I buried myself in months before.

The frustration and confusion was overwhelming. I felt like a caged beast caught up in a metal prison with only my memories to comfort me. I had to get out. I quickly glanced at the clock and realized the bonfire started a few hours earlier. My friends would be a welcome distraction from this, at least for the night.

I ran into my room, changed and headed out. As customary, everyone was having a good time laughing and drinking the night away. I wasn't in the mood for socializing really so I grabbed a beer and walked out to the shoreline to relax. I watched the wave crash into the sand and then drift back into the ocean. It was relaxing but it left my mind open for an onslaught of thoughts and emotions I really was trying to avoid.

I knew it was only a matter of time before someone came over and again no surprise, it was Leah.

"So you're playing the woe is me card again tonight Jake?" she inquired as she plotted down beside me.

"Nah just….ah what does it matter Lee. I'll never understand it."

"Yeah I'm sure now that Bella's back huh? I mean you finally get over her and there she is, AGAIN!"

"Yeah you can say that."

"Listen Jake, I'm not one to give advice, you know the whole Sam, Emily love triangle thing but I think she is just one bruise that won't heal if you catch my drift. I think somehow the stars were aligned for you two when you were born. Don't get me wrong, if left in the room with her I might have an urge to smack her one good time but I know you love her so I just deal and hit Seth instead."

I laughed at her gesture. Leah was always a little rough around the edges but something she said just struck a chord with me. What if I never could really heal from this? What if Bella would always be my Bella? I knew no one could compare and I knew deep down she was always it for me but how much did I have to take to make her see it for herself?

"You can sit here and deny it or mast-er-debate over it or…you can go to her. It's not like she is that far off. She's been lurking here for a few hours now."

Leah turned my face by the chin to the right and sure enough, Bella was sitting on a rock right at the end of the beach.

"Don't you get it Leah; I don't want to be her safety net anymore. I don't want to run to her like a stray puppy. I just…" I sighed resting my head between my legs in frustration.

I knew when it came down to it I would go. It was in my nature to go. I think my father used to call it Imprinting. When we were kids we would sit around the fire and he would speak of the legends of our tribe. He explained that there were some that turned into wolves in order to protect the tribe from harm. He went on to explain that these shifters had mates that when finally found, the two souls were bound by space and time. For the longest time I had thought Bella was mine. I couldn't breathe without her and I didn't want to. It killed me to know she didn't feel it with the intensity that I had and I guess overtime that pull got less and less.

"Jake does it really matter whose right and who's wrong? I mean yes she is wrong for playing you like a fiddle but you were wrong for letting her. Your relationship or whatever it was, was a double edge sword. You gave she took. In my opinion she took a little too much but again not my burden to bear. If you really love her and still want her in your life be honest. Tell her she can't use you as a punching bag and let the cards fall where they may. Maybe with time she has changed too and never thought she could lose you until now. Just talk to her."

As much as I hated to admit it, Leah was right. It was now or never. I nodded to her and headed over to the other side of the beach. I grinned when I heard her yell out "Worse case I just throw her in the water. Accident right?"

The boys can say what they want about her but Leah was a good egg, slightly harsh but genuinely a good person.

I slowed down my pace as I neared the rocks. When I got closer I saw Bella sobbing as she held the letter in her hands. I know a part of me should be happy she felt my pain but a part of me didn't want her to hurt because of it. The things I said I meant but if she was to hear them, I wanted her to be staring right at me as I said them, not a piece of paper, not like this. I felt almost like a dead beat boyfriend who broke up with his girlfriend of ten years over a text message or answering machine. She hurt me yes but she didn't deserve to find out how much in the words of a letter.

I climbed up behind her and the small pebbles that crumbled beneath my feet alerted her to my presence. She was quick to wipe her eyes with her shirt and try to recompose herself while I took a seat beside her.

"I'm sorry if I ruined your party Jake. I'll just go" she said as she went to stand up but my hand was quick to bring her back down. "Just stay."

In frustration I ran my hands through my hair. Her abrupt behavior showing she really hadn't changed much. "Why do you do that Bella? Why do you run" I hissed as I pulled at my hair in annoyance.

"I'm not running. I just thought…"

"You just thought you would wait for me here and when I noticed and came over, you would just leave? What sense does that make? Fuck you frustrate me. I love you but God I can't be in love with you when you are still the Bella that takes. Why can't you give? Just give me your heart. Is that too much? Is it too much to ask for you to stay here…in Forks…with me. Why can't you just be with me? I just can't…" my voice lost to the strain of frustration as I tried to get all the emotion out of my head and through my mouth.

Her hand trembled as it softly caressed my back. My body vibrated with so much anger I felt like at any second I might combust. I had held in so much for so long it would seem my mind was anxious to just let it all out no matter who got hurt.

"There's nothing I can say to make this right Jake I know that. I can sit here and give you excuses and reason but what will that really prove? I can't change what I've done or how much I've hurt you. I never imagined it would be this bad, that's the selfish side of me trying to justify the unjustifiable but I don't know what I can do to make it right, make you right again. If it's any consolation I'm not here for just the summer. I decided to move back here on my own accord and not just because of your letter. The time I spent away from Forks really opened my eyes to things I never thought possible. I realized that as much as I wanted something different, what I wanted and what I needed were two different things. I thought somehow if I got out of here I would be more well rounded you know, like become something more than a deli clerk or librarian but what I failed to realize was that no matter what I might achieve out there, its nothing if I don't have someone to share it with."

"Someone? Ha! So you come back because you were lonely, typical."

Her hand scrunched up on my back and I knew my response angered her. "No Jake! I didn't come back because I needed someone. I came back because I realized that that someone was you. My behavior in the past was wrong. It was wrong of me to use you and then just up and leave. I get that. I know I was wrong but what I need to know is, can you look past that and move on or do I have to move on?"

"The Jake that sits with you now wants to say move on but the old me, your Jacob burns to say yes. I've been conflicted with this since you left Bella. It kills me to say no to anything but yet if I don't, I continue to hurt. I don't want to be your doormat, your go to guy, you're…"

"Safety net" she interjects

"Yes. I want to be the man that is the source of your happiness and the reason you wake up with a smile. I want to be there like no other because I'm unlike no other. I've given you all of me and just when I thought I had all of you, you left me. I fear this most of all. I fear that if you do decide to leave there will be nothing left of me to take."

She leaned into my shoulder, her lips just inches from mine and responds "I've always loved you Jake and I will continue to love you even if you don't love me the same. I can make promises but I know you won't believe me and you have no reason too. Just give me a chance Jake, please..."

Here I was a man scorned by love and challenged by it all the same. My gut said to deny her while my heart pleaded to accept her. When it came down to it, I could deny her all I wanted but the outcome would always be the same, I would still love her.

I turned my head to the side and as much as I wanted to kiss her and make it all better I knew nothing could be fixed by words alone. "I will if you pinky swear on it."

The smile that came to her face warmed my heart. She latched onto my pinkie and our fates were sealed. There was nothing in this world that I wanted more than to have that permanent smile and although I knew it would be a rough road back to the Jake and Bells we once were; somehow I could sense things were different. After all she swore to love me, now all she had to do was prove it.


End file.
